israelam news

Israel News for 2-28-18 – Purim

Trump Peace Plan
We have learned from an extremely reliable source within President Trump’s inside circle of personal advisors that last night, during a private Purim dinner reception at the Venetian Resort Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas (owned by Sheldon Adelson), Trump revealed, for the first time, the major points of his Israeli-Palestinian peace plan.

In addition to many prominent and mega wealthy Jewish men, UN Ambassador Nikki Haley, Senior Advisor Ivanka and several dozen “very beautiful” (Trump’s words) Jewish women were at the exclusive event. To keep things fair and balance, several limo drivers of Arab descent were also allowed into the room during Trump’s announcement, although they were not compelled to drink alcohol (though many of them did).

Trump kicked off his remarks by praising Jewish women, saying, “I have to say this…you know I love all women, particular beautiful women…very, very beautiful women…in fact, I’ve been with some of the most beautiful women anywhere, ever…you might say I’m the world’s greatest expert on the topic…and I can honestly say that Jewish women are THE most beautiful women in world, right behind the Scandinavians, Eastern Europeans (wink to Melania — of course, right? Isn’t she beautiful?) and all-American blonde Christians (winks at Ivanka, who blushes and says, “oh daddy, that’s so sweet, but I’m Jewish now).”

“In fact, Israel has some of the most beautiful women — have you seen Wonder Woman? Right? And to be fair, the Arabs have some beautiful women too, but it’s hard to know since most of them are all covered up with the scarfs and hoods — you know what I mean. But believe me, there is gotta be beauty hidden beneath those burkas. Believe me.”

“These beautiful women, on both sides, deserve to live in peace and prosperity. That’s why I’ve come up with a plan — a deal — which will be the solution to probably the toughest deal ever. We all know that money – prosperity – solves all problems. The people in this room in particular should appreciate that. So what I’m proposing is a plan to bring such massive and overwhelming prosperity to the Israelis and Palestinians that they will simply forget all of their issues and just sit back and enjoy. Sounds interesting, right?”

So here’s how it will work (in Trump’s words):

1. With massive investment from Saudi Arabia and the Gulf States, the Gaza Strip will be transformed in something similar to the Las Vegas strip, only better. Sheldon (Adelson) along with Steve Wynn (a great guy — don’t believe the reports about him) will be managing the entire project. And my son Donald Jr. will be overseeing the entire project so I can be sure it’s done correctly — since the Trump name will be used throughout the strip on many of the best hotels. That should make Hamas very very happy.

2. To solve the Jerusalem issue, we’re going to create holding company that will develop and manage the Old City and all the religious sites. It will be composed of individual LLC’s and — oh, why don’t we just leave all that legal stuff to Jason Greenblatt, who’s the best real estate attorney in the world…and a really great guy…and one of my Orthodox Jews…he’ll do the right thing so that everyone comes out ahead and making money. Believe me. I truly believe that my Jerusalem development plans will make the Palestinians and Israelis very happy…and rich, so there shouldn’t be any problem on that front. I’ve also spoken with King Hussein of Jordan and he’s willing to take a piece of the action, as long as it’s equal to what I’m giving Bibi. Regarding Abbas, well, we’ll just have to see about him…

3. Now, as you all know, Hezbollah is a very big problem because they’re really very very bad guys. So we’re going to do the same thing in southern Lebanon as we’re planning to do in Gaza. Another amazing Trump hotel and casino strip that should draw business from around the Arab world and northern Israel. Everyone will be making so much money they won’t have time for terror.

Instead of a Palestinian State, we’re going to create a Palestinian corporation with shareholders, investors…it’s going to be beautiful, and more importantly, it’s going to make them rich.

That’s the crux of my plan. What do you think? Pretty brilliant, huh? Pretty pretty brilliant. The entire region will be happy, wealthy and a whole lot more fun than it ever has been. Believe me, it’s brilliant.”


PM Netanyahu was all smiles and giggles. He said, “I love Donald — he’s the best friend I’ve ever had (maybe the only one) and I know in my heart he is a lover of Israel and Jewish People. So whatever he says I will do.” Netanyahu denied any connection between his embracing of the peace plan and his 25% share of the Gaza and Jerusalem holding companies.

PA President Abbas blasted Trump for ignoring the righteous aspirations of the Palestinian people for their own state. He also pledged to stand firm against the peace plan unless he got at least a 10% equity stake in the Gaza enterprise along with an undisclosed lump sum payment.

Iran pledged to open it’s own casinos in Syria (with Russian help) to saturate the gaming market and put the Trump casinos out of business. Trump replied that he had plenty of experience dealing with bankrupt casinos.

The UN voted to condemn Israel, for a reason to be determined at a later date.

Kotel Plaza Renamed
After a fiery all night session, the Knesset passed a new law renaming the Western Wall (kotel) Plaza the Trump Plaza. The bill was sponsored by PM Netanyahu, who practically pleaded with his coalition members to support him, in what he called, “the ultimate gesture of friendship to my best friend in the world.”

Netanyahu almost did not get the required votes when the ultra-orthodox ministers called the renaming proposal “blasphemy” and a “shameful embarrassment”. But the PM offered to push through a special tax break for anyone wearing long black coats and black hats, and the ministers miraculously changed their minds — with the backing of the Council of Sages, of course.

Opposition leaders blasted the new law, demanding the plaza be renamed for a female secular socialist activist (anyone fitting the description will do just fine).

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been chosen to inaugurate the new Trump Plaza @ the Western Wall. But before that, the government, in conjunction with the Trump advisory team, will need to decide whether or not there will be separate hotels for men or women or whether there will be one a hotel with a partition down the middle.

Women throughout the world are disrupting Purim celebrations to protest the the behavior of King Ahashverosh towards Queen Vashti. Protestors are calling the King’s behavior unacceptable and are hailing Vashti as a role model for abused women. The fact that the king’s behavior was totally acceptable in his time period isn’t stopping protesters from shouting MeToo every time the king’s name is mentioned during the reading of the Megillah. Rabbis are reluctant to shush the women for fear of provoking accusations of chauvinism and abuse.

Polish Law
Poland’s parliament has just passed a law making it a crime to say a Polish joke. According to law anyone, anywhere in the world, who is heard or recorded telling a Polish joke can be either extradited to Poland or tried there in absentia. Jewish groups in the US are claiming that the new law is anti-semitic, as it unfairly targets Jewish comedians.

The Israeli government is studying the law and preparing a response. One official was quoted as saying, “I can’t see how Israel can survive without Polish jokes.”

Trump weighed in on the issue saying, “Everyone should be free to make fun of whoever they want, whether it’s a Pollack, Jew, Wop, Mick and other words I can’t say…as president.”