Israel News for March 24, 2016 – Purim Issue

EU Condemns Israel
The EU’s special commission for Middle Eastern affairs has voted unanimously to condemn Israel for war crimes committed against Iran during the reign of King Achashverosh. Particular reference was made to the hangings of the acting Prime Minister Haman and his ten sons.

Committee chairman Count Fullofs Hit from Netherland proclaimed, “We can no longer stand by while the peaceful heirs to the glorious Persian empire are subjected to constant threats and attacks by the Elders of Zion and their Protocols. As a result of our fair and unbiased investigation, justice has finally been achieved.”

The Chancellor of the University of Philippe in Paris (UPP), a professor of ancient history, provided the bulk of the research for the EU decision. The UPP head, Jaques Strapp, said, “according to my research Haman was actually working hard for the benefit of the Jewish community. His plan was to segregate the Jews from their Persian neighbors and concentrate them in a few major cities for their own protection and the enhancement of their unique culture and religious practices. Solving what he fondly called the “Jewish Problem” was his lifelong mission, which, had he succeeded, would have dramatically changed the history of the world for the better.” He added, “hanging such a man along with his sons is inexcusable.”

When countered with the self defense argument for killing Haman, Count Fullofs Hit responded that it did not apply in this case, or in any matter related to Israel. He said, “Regarding Israel, self defense is always aggression.”

Esther Dispute
A Purim dispute has erupted in the Knesset that threatens to topple the current government. The dispute revolves around the appointment of the marshal for the annual State of Israel Purim Parade that takes place in Jerusalem on Purim day (which is actually the day after Purim, in Jerusalem). Leaders of the opposition, with the rare support of coalition MKs, are backing Esther, while the Haredi parties are demanding that Mordecai lead the parade, as usual.

Haredi spokesman Natan Urlife declared that it would blemish the holiness of Judaism to have a woman serve as marshal, even if she was responsible for saving the Jewish people. Mordecai has always lead the parade, and that status quo must not be tempered with.

In addition to threatening to topple the coalition, the Haredi leaders have also warned that they would change the name of the Megillah from Esther to something else more in line with Jewish tradition.

In a bid to reach a compromise, moderate Haredi leaders have suggested allowing Esther to marshal the parade from an enclosed box-like structure that would prevent people from seeing her. Another proposal to force all male spectators to wear dark sunglasses was rejected as being a violation of freedom of expression.

In a bid to reach a solution, the Prime Minister has suggested making Donald Trump the parade marshal, saying that he’s got the experience from leading the Israel Day Parade in New York. In addition, he seems to be the only one of the nominees who has Jewish grandchildren.

They’ll work something out. They always do.

Women of the Beach
The Women of the Beach, an offshoot of the Women of the Wall group, has temporarily taken over a segregated beach in Tel Aviv. The radical women’s rights group is demanding the right to sunbathe anywhere they want and are claiming that beaches with separate hours for male and female use are an attack on the civil rights of all women. The fact that there are only a handful of segregated beaches in Israel is irrelevant to them.

One activist said, “they’ve segregated the Kotel, which is the soul of the Jewish people. We won’t let them segregate the place where the Jewish body is displayed for all to see. Taking away our right to walk around nearly naked denigrates and belittles us. It is a blatant attempt to strip us of our pride. We’ll lie on this beach every day, from morning to night, if that’s what it takes to protect our honor.”

In response, hundreds of male Bnei Brak residents have gone to protest at the beach. Police have erected high barriers to prevent the men for “inadvertently” gazing at the Women of the Beach. There could be trouble.

Trump Negotiates
Donald Trump has promised voters that he will exclusively use Jews to negotiate all of his deals as President. He said, “If you want to make America great again (and who doesn’t), you need to be able to negotiate great deals. And believe me, there are no better negotiators in the world than the Jews. I’ve obviously been extremely successful in my life and I have always made sure to only hire Jewish lawyers to get the best deals. As President, I’ll continue to do that. Believe me, you’ll win so much that you’ll get tired of winning.”

Trump added, “and by the way, just to prove I’m serious, I have a Jewish daughter, son-in-law and of course, Jewish grandchildren.”

Finally, “When it comes to building the wall, I’ll hire Christians (preferably hispanics and blacks), but when it comes to making deals…I’m going for the Jews.”

Herzog’s Wall
Opposition leader Isaac Herzog continued to push his plan to separate Israel from the Palestinians as the only way to stop the terror and violence in the country. His plan calls for building a wall along the entire border to stop Palestinians from entering Israel proper. Yesterday Herzog announced that he would make the Palestinians pay for the wall adding, “believe me, they’ll pay for it. I’m the only one who can make that happen. And believe me, it will happen.”

Nobody in Israel can understand where Herzog came up with the idea, but they seem to love him now. To counter Herzog’s new popularity, PM Netanyahu has pledged to build an even higher wall and get Mexico to pay for it.

Artists Invade Enclave
Secular Israeli artists and musicians have quietly begun moving into the ultra-Orthodox neighborhood of Meah Shearim. Most admit that they’d rather be in trendier parts of Tel Aviv but the prices are just too high. They claim to have gotten the idea from friends in Williamsburg, who have settled right next to the Satmar Hasidic community.

Real Estate agents have been reported knocking on doors throughout Meah Shearim warning residents to sell or risk being the only religious family left on the block. Many building owners have decided to cash in and move to America, where even the Hasidim are a bit more laid back and relaxed. But some long time residents are vowing to stay and work together with the artists to create more attractive looking posters to plaster around the city and more innovative ways of using paint to cover immodest billboards and signage.

For their part their artists have promised to keep their tattoos covered during daylight hours, to refrain from smoking pot on Shabbat, and to share their drugs with residents on Purim and Hanukkah (and whenever someone asks nicely).