Purim Edition 2020

News Update

(This news is satire. Happy Purim!)

Leaders of Israel’s left-wing parties have secretly reached out to Bernie Sanders and offered him leadership of their joint block. Political experts say that the main reason for the offer is that leftist leaders acknowledge that Sanders has won more Jewish votes in the US than they have in Israel, and they believe that with Sanders at the head of the ticket, they could finally get a respectable number of Knesset seats.

Sanders reportedly has declined their offer, even though he is happy with the Israeli free healthcare for all system, because there are simply too many billionaires with too much power in the country. He also would rather move to a retirement community in South Florida, instead of shlepping all the way to Israel.

The ultra-orthodox parties are demanding that they will only join a government that does not include any women. They also are refusing to participate in a coed Knesset. As a show of good-will, however, the party leaders plan to create a new Ministry of Cooking, Cleaning and Child Rearing which would have a woman minister at the helm and be totally staffed by women. In an unusual move, the Arab block, has agreed to join forces with the ultra-orthodox parties to make the new ministry, and a woman free Knesset, a reality.

In a related story, extreme elements in the ultra-orthodox rabbinate are demanding that all mention of Esther be removed from the Purim story, since it is immodest to have a woman heroin in the forefront of …. anything. They propose to change the Book of Esther to the Book of Mordecai and modify the storyline in a way that better reflects the recently new and improved Jewish laws of modesty. All queen costumes worn by women will also be banned. But men will still be allowed to dress up as queens, as long as they remain closeted the rest of the year. Yentl is still a no no.

In an unexpected move to make the Trump peace plan more attractive to Palestinians, Jared Kushner has announced that his family real estate company along with the Trump Organization will allow Palestinians to move into thousands of their lower income apartment units at drastically reduced rents. The Palestinians will be granted immediate US citizenship as long as they come prior to the 2020 presidential election and register to vote. The Kushner and Trump organizations will receive government subsidies and tax breaks for the first 2 years, after which time they will be able to raise rents to full market value and evict tenants as needed.

While the response from Palestinians has been muted, tens of thousands of Israelis have rushed to apply for the new Kushner initiative. White House officials have clarified that the initiative is exclusively for Palestinians, but that hasn’t stopped Israelis from moving to the US in droves, even at full market prices.

In an attempt to prevent the spreading of the coronavirus, the Chief Rabbi of the Western Wall has ordered the wall to be completely covered with plastic. There will be several designated slots in the plastic where people can drop their notes. People visiting the Wall are asked to refrain from dragging their fingers down the plastic so as not to make that annoying sound that everyone hates.

And finally, as they do every year, the Iranian government has filed a suit against Israel in the ICF (International Court of Folly), for the murder of thousands of innocent Persians by Jews during the Purim story. Israel is claiming self defense.

Happy Purim!!