The Israel News Purim Issue – 2017

Wikileaks Bombshell
Wikileaks has just uncovered documents and recordings proving that the US election was definitely rigged — by Israel. According to the documents, the Russian ambassador to the US was actually an agent for the Mossad, and was used to make everyone believe that Russia as behind the election hacking.

A telephone conversation recorded between Netanyahu and Trump several weeks before the election had the PM assuring Trump that Israeli intelligence along with a secret consortium of high tech startups had figured out a way to hack into election computers. He also was heard telling Trump, “from now on you had better damn well be the best friend Israel has ever had. Remember, we can make you and we can just as easily break you.”

Trump and Netanyahu both deny the veracity of the documents and recordings, blaming Radical Islamic Terror for orchestrating the forgeries. Presidential advisor Steve Bannon placed the blame on a secret international Jewish cabal. Jared Kushner and Trumps group of Jewish advisors, aides and confidants were in a closed door meeting in the White House basement and unavailable for comment.

Culinary Controversy
The latest controversy to engulf the White House revolves around a recent request by Ivanka Trump to make the White House kitchen kosher. Presidential advisor Steve Bannon reportedly is willing to accept a separate kosher kitchen in addition to the existing one.

Ivanka is adamant about a one kitchen solution, claiming that there’s absolutely no reason why everyone, kosher or not, cannot eat from the kosher kitchen. Bannon is sticking to his two kitchen solution saying, “every American should have the freedom to choose the food they want to eat without interference from the Jewish controlled food industry.” He added, “there’s no way in hell I’m eating gefilte fish!”

President Trump weighed in on the issue say, “I like one kitchen and two kitchens…whatever they agree upon.” He added, “And by the way, Ivanka makes the best gefilte fish you’ve ever tasted…the best!”

UN Condemnation
The UN General Assembly passed an Iranian sponsored resolution condemning Israel for the massacre of thousands of Persians during the reign of King Ahashverosh. The Iranian ambassador read passages from the Book of Esther as proof of the carnage. The Israeli ambassador denied responsibility, pointing out that the Sate of Israel only came into existence in 1948. In addition he held up a copy of the bible and reminded the assembly of Israel’s biblical right to its ancient homeland.

Annexation Agreement
In an unexpected turn of events, the far right and far left Knesset factions have reached an agreement regarding the annexation of large Jewish settlement blocks. According to the deal, Israel will annex areas of NYC, Long Island and New Jersey which have heavy concentrations of Jews.

The Chief Rabbinate, along with most rabbinic leaders, are fully behind the idea. The rabbis assert that according to Maimonides, any territory conquered (or annexed) by Israel automatically becomes part of Israel and attains the status of holy land.

Orthodox Jewish groups in the New York area are celebrating the plan. A statement released by an umbrella organization representing them said, “we welcome the opportunity to be able to fulfill our spiritual potential and halachic obligations without having to disrupt our comfortable lifestyle and move to the hot and dangerous Middle East.”

The majority of Israelis are also in favor of the plan, which will allow them to finally move to NY guilt free. Real Estate prices in Israel are expected to plummet, as demand in overpriced Anglo populated areas disappears.

The annexation plan is facing strong opposition from Nefesh B’nefesh. The Republican lead Congress and the White House have expressed interest in the plan and are anxious to remove New York and New Jersey from the electoral map.

Baseball Warning
The Israel National Baseball team currently competing in the World Fall Classic tournament in S. Korea has unexpectedly pulled off several victories and is plowing forward towards the championship. The team is doing so well that PM Netanyahu has issued them a special warning: In the event that they play the US team in the championships, they are to lose the game. According to a high ranking source in the Prime Ministers Office, the PM is afraid of upsetting US President Trump and wants to make sure that nothing occurs that could in any way ruffle the President’s feathers.

A senior White House advisor categorically denied the report, saying that Trump was the best friend Israel and the Jews ever had. When asked directly by a reporter, Trump responded, “I think the Israeli baseball team is doing really great things and we will always support them. But they should probably hold back just a bit, for the time being.”

It’s still unclear what the Israeli team will do if they play against Russia.

Women’s Rights
Women’s rights groups are in an uproar regarding a recent pronouncement by the Supreme Haredi Council of Sages to change the name of the Book of Esther to the Book of Mordecai and to make changes in the text diminishing the queen’s primary role in the story.

The Council claims that having a woman in such a prominent and visible position is contrary to the laws of female modesty. It also points out that the name Esther is derived from the pagan deity Astarte – “Queen of Heaven”, and therefore should not be uttered. In addition, the sages fear that saying the feminine pagan name could lead men to impure sexual thoughts, which combined with alcohol on Purim could be spiritually fatal.

[The council denied that the origins of the name Mordecai derived from the pagan deity Marduk.]

Hundreds of women from women’s rights groups joined by followers of pagan deities dressed up in I Dream of Jeannie costumes to protest in the streets of Meah Shearim. Thousands of Haredi men came out to watch.